Playing Doctor
by Drdiagnostic
Summary: A fun one shot I wrote around season five. What happens when House gets bored and needs someone to play with? Read on and find out.


_**This is dedicated to Anne for sparking the interest in posting my one shots.**_

**PLAYING DOCTOR**

Sitting in his office in the evening, sipping some scotch via his red coffee mug, House found himself bored. He solved his case an hour ago and his team performed their duties before going home for the night. Wilson was on vacation visiting his family, so House couldn't terrorize him. So, he picked the next best person….Cuddy. He sat there in thought for a moment, when the sound of the maintenance man waxing the floors gave him an idea. Jumping up from his chair, he grabbed his cane and limped out the door to his office.

Cuddy was engrossed in a pile of paperwork in her office, when her pager went off. She studied it for a moment. Then, she swiftly stood up from her chair, grabbed her lab coat and headed out of her office. What she didn't know was that spying on her in one of the clinic rooms was House, as he awaited her exit. Once the coast was clear, House hurried into Cuddy's office, opened her purse hanging on the coat rack and removed her car keys, slipping them into his pocket. Before leaving her office, he limped over to her desk and took a mint.

Meanwhile, Cuddy found herself in a rush as she was paged to one of the rooms for an emergency. Once at her destination, she noticed nurse and a coma patient.

Seeing the calmness before her Cuddy was confused and asked the nurse, "I got a page to come here for an emergency. Is everything okay?"

Confused the nurse answered, "I don't know who sent the page, but everything is fine. There've been no problems."

Irritated, Cuddy has her own epiphany and mutters to herself, "Coma patient's room…House. Ugh!"

She leaves the room in disgust but is stopped by her head of maintenance.

"Dr. Cuddy…..I need you to take a look at the roof door, so I can decide whether or not to order a new lock or a new door. Damn thing is causing issues for some of the orderlies and the life flight staff."

Looking at her watch she asks the maintenance man, "Do we need to do this now? Can't it wait until tomorrow?"

"I would ma'am but right now it's a security issue. If I know what to do tonight, I can have what I need ordered first thing tomorrow and maybe have it here by nightfall." He answers her.

Flustered she says, "Fine." She then heads to the roof with the maintenance man.

A little while later Cuddy shows up at House's office door dressed to go home and with an annoyed smirk on her face asking, "Where are they House?"

Pretending to act surprised to see her, House answers, "Dr. Cuddy….I'm surprised to see you here so late. What brings you by?"

"Cut the crap, House. Where are my car keys?"

Playing dumb he says, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Rolling her eyes she remarks, "Don't play dumb with me, you pain in my ass. It's late and I just got finished doing a ton of paperwork. I wanna go home."

"I honestly don't know what to tell you." He says still playing innocent.

"You can start by telling me where my keys are. I know you have them." She says to him irritated.

"And how can you possibly know that I have them?" He says toying with her.

Mockingly she says, "Uh…let's see…I get a mysterious page from coma guy's room saying there's an emergency. Then, Mr. Douglass conveniently stops me in front of coma guy's room to take me to a top floor door that suddenly had no problems once I got there. Humm….that gives you ample time to go into my office and steal my car keys."

Teasing her he asks, "Are you sure you didn't lock them in your car? People do that you know."

"They are not locked in my car. They were in my purse. Now hand them over. Rachel isn't going to pay the babysitter and I'm paying her overtime. So, unless you would like that to come out of your pay, hand them over." She says getting annoyed.

"Come on. Let's go for a walk." He says getting up, as he grabs his motorcycle helmet and jacket. He walks past her towards the door.

Turning around to his direction she says, "I'm not playing games, House."

"Neither am I." He says.

He walks out and she reluctantly follows him.

They get to the parking lot and Cuddy follows House to her car.

Once there, House points inside the car with his cane and asks, "You sure you didn't leave them in there?"

Cuddy looks inside and sees her keys in the ignition and the doors locked.

She turns to him pissed and yells, "You are a real ass! I don't have spare keys with me and calling someone to fish those out of there is going to take forever! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Relax, Cuddy. I'll take you home." He says with a devilish grin.

In annoyed laughter she says, "I'd rather take a cab."

"Don't you need money for that?" He asks cunningly.

Looking at him she says, "Oh no you didn't." She then takes her wallet out of her purse only to find that her cash and credit cards are missing. She closes her eyes in disgust.

She then opens them and asks, "Okay, what you want? Less clinic hours? New parking space? A raise?"

"We'll negotiate later. Come on….my bike's not too far." He tells her.

"Are you serious? House, I can't ride on your bike. I'm wearing a skirt, you idiot." She points out to him.

"Suit yourself then. Hate to see you getting picked up by the cops for prostitution, especially since you're wearing that incredibly revealing top." He then starts to walk away.

"Fine." She says. Then she mutters, "I hate myself."

When they get to his motorcycle, House grabs the extra helmet and puts it on her.

Looking at her he remarks, "There….now you can really be my biker bitch."

She quips, "More like hell's angel right now."

"Okay hop on." He tells her.

Smiling she says, "Oh, no….YOU first….I'm not that dumb to succumb to your lechery."

He laughs and gets on first. He turns his head a bit to get a look at her hiking her skirt up to get on. However, she squashes that idea.

"No way…..turn your head around until I get on or you'll be searching for your cane on the road." She advises.

"Party pooper." He answers her. He turns around and she carefully hikes up her skirt to get on.

Once she's on, House tells her, "Hold on tight."

She wraps her arms around his waist.

He directs her, "Tighter."

So, Cuddy holds onto him tighter.

Then he jokes, "Now lower."

"Shut up and drive." She says laughing at him.

They arrive at Cuddy's. Once they get to the front door, Cuddy turns to House and asks, "Can I have my things now?"

"Geez…what kind of thanks is that for the man who saved you from having to sell yourself for cab fare? No offer to come in for a drink at least?" He says teasingly.

Giving him a look, she says, "You're really pushing this. You know that, don't you?"

"That doesn't sound like me at all." He jokes.

She opens the door. When she enters, her babysitter comes to them from the living room.

"Marina, I am so sorry I'm late. How's the baby?"

Marina answers, "She's good. She fell asleep about an hour ago."

"Terrific." Cuddy answers her as she grabs her checkbook from a table by the door.

House pretend coughs.

Cuddy rolls her eyes, "Marina, this Dr. House…. the psychotic doctor who locked my keys in my car."

House extends his hand to her. "Nice to meet you. I'm surprised Dr. Cuddy hired someone so pretty. She usually hires the ugly ones to make herself look better and boost her confidence." He jokes.

"Guess that's why I hired you then." She says ripping a check from the book and handing it to Marina.

"Naw, you hired me to be your sex slave." House quips. Then he turns to Marina and in a loud whisper says to her, "You wouldn't believe the things she could do with that stethoscope." He winks.

Smiling at him, she turns to Cuddy and says, "Thank you Dr. Cuddy. I hope you two have a good night."

Cuddy sees her out and closes the door.

Laughing, she looks at House and says, "You are such an idiot. You're going to have that poor girl running out the door every time you come by."

Cuddy then takes off her weather jacket and hangs it on the hook by the door. She then takes her suit jacket off and tosses it on the couch as she heads to the kitchen. House makes himself at home by sitting on her sofa.

Calling to House from the kitchen she asks, 'What do you want?"

"What kind or real liquor do you have? I don't want wine or that wine cooler crap." He answers.

She calls back, "I have beer."

"Wow, is it actually alcoholic?" He says mocking her.

"Keep it up and you'll be wearing it." She says from the kitchen.

"You'd like that. Wouldn't you? Then, I'd be all wet and have to take my clothes off. "He jokes.

She comes into the living room with two beer bottles saying, "Yes, because I want to have nightmares of you naked in my living room." She says drily.

She hands him his bottle and then sits down next to him. He takes a sip from his bottle.

She takes a sip from hers and asks, "So, why did you take my keys?"

Swallowing House answers her, "To annoy you."

"No that's not why. If you really wanted to annoy me, there are hundreds of other ways that you could have done it that wouldn't have involved you taking me home." She notes.

With a teasing laugh he says, "I told you…I just wanted to annoy you. And from your reaction, I did a good job. Mission accomplished. What's interesting is that you still had your cell phone. You could have called anyone to come and get you, including your babysitter, and you didn't. Which means that you _wanted_ me to come home with you."

Rolling her eyes and chuckling she answers him, "Only _you _would turn your prank into me wanting to take you home." She takes another sip of beer.

"Am I wrong? I know for a fact that you have at least ten friends on your speed dial. Nine more than I do." He tells her.

"Oh my God….what, are you stealing my cell phone too? What else do you have of mine? " She wonders.

"I don't have your phone. I just got bored and curious one day." He tells her nonchalantly. Then he takes a sip of beer.

"Why is it that you have no problem looking into other people's personal lives, but can't share anything about yourself?" Cuddy asks.

"Because, everyone else's lives are _way_ more interesting." He says playfully. "Why? What do you want to know?" he wonders.

Laughing she says, "Yeah, right. I ask you a personal question and you'll either lie or deflect. No thanks. I don't wanna play."

Showing mock insult he responds, "How do you know that? Just maybe I'll tell you something about me if you tell me something about you."

She chuckles and says, "You are so full of crap House. I've known you over twenty years and Wilson knows more about your personal life than I do. Why would you change now?"

He says to her, "Well, if you tell me something personal about yourself, then I'll give you your things back. Then, I'll tell you something about me."

"Do you think I've had too much beer? No way am I going to tell you something personal about myself _before_ I get my things back. If you don't give me my things back now, you'll be changing seeping bandages in the ER for a month." She advises.

"You see…this is why I love playing with you. You create this scenario that'll never happen because I hold the cards right now. Yet, you'll try and pull out the administrator card anyway. You know you'll fold. You always do." He says to her.

"Fine, then I guess I'll call one of my ten friends to take me to work tomorrow and use my spare keys to get in my car. I'll cancel my credit cards and take the money you stole out of you pay. I don't need to play, because I'll win no matter what this time." She tells him.

"God…playing with you used to be fun. I think motherhood has sucked the life out of you." He remarks digging into the pocket of his leather jacket, which was laying on the arm of the couch. He hands her the keys, money and her credit cards.

Then with a sly smile she says, "I won this game the minute I walked into your office."

With a confused look on his face, he inquires, "What are you talking about?"

"You were right." She says to him.

"I always am. " He says smugly. "I just need you to remind me what I'm right about."

"I knew you took my keys. But what you didn't know is that I did have a spare set on me…in the one place you didn't even bother to look….my coat pocket. That told me that you were either slipping or that you wanted me to make the choice of you taking me home or not. Since I knew you weren't one to miss a trick, I knew you were testing me to see what I'd do. What you hadn't bargained for was me agreeing. Truth is….I was glad you did this. Saved me the awkward trouble of trying to get you here." She confesses to him.

With a devilish grin he says to her, "You evil, cunning woman…..now see _this_ is why I play with you."

She smiles back at him and then he playfully asks, "Now that I'm here Dr. Cuddy, whatever shall we do?"

Putting her beer on the table, she answers, "Oh I don't know." She reaches down to the second shelf of the table next to her, pulls out a stethoscope and seductively says, "Care to play doctor?"


End file.
